Fate Leads To Love…
I’m going to preface this series of thoughts with the fact that most understand on a decent level what codependency is and in what aspects it relates to love and relationships. In the simplest of terms where I understand it, codependency in a relationship, is allowing someone else to fill the voids you have because they don’t have those same voids. It is choosing to be with someone because of how they “make” you feel, when in reality you choose or allow your emotions. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone because of a magnetism you had toward them? Realistically it could be because they were charming, where you weren’t, they were skilled where you weren’t, they had things to offer the relationship you didn’t, so naturally you thought you would make a good pair, offsetting each others inadequacies. In a certain logic this makes sense and is treated as such but in understanding codependency, at it’s root, I’ve started to realize some things. If the majority of relationships are created and established because of what one may give, or what one may make us feel, those relationships are built upon a fallacy, because where one gives, one is receiving or looking to receive, ultimately never being in a truly equal balance. The problem exists with us giving our feelings to the dictation of another, saying you “make” me feel this way or I’m happy around you or choosing our attraction based on what someone has that we don’t. Such significant others fill the void within us that we never learn to fill our self and then we sit back and wonder why relationships don’t last, why everyone is so damn shallow, why can’t I just get it right, why am I still alone, etc. We allow others to take responsibility for said characteristics in place of us doing so directly. We acknowledge our void indirectly by acknowledging the others strengths in some ways, but to an end in which we don’t even consider repairing our insecurities on our own. Always looking outward, never inward to patch and mend the scars of our pasts. Always looking for another relationship but different this time and usually with a different type of person, not by looking to change “ourselves”.
Society is riddled with codependency, especially as it relates to relationships in particular. We would rather be in a dysfunctional, codependent, doomed to fail relationship, than be alone, more often than not. We would rather give our power to someone else, than wield it, to what end? Think of almost all modern music. What percentage was written with a relationship in mind. I mean, a huge percentage is about breakups, I need you’s, how great you make me feel, the way you play with my hair. When you break it down, the music, the culture, the media and movies as it caters to the majority of the population, is fostering the idea that our power comes from others, that someone else will give to us what we don’t have or can’t obtain. We grow up hearing this garbage, song after song, romantic film after film, analogy after analogy but never realizing what is making us so damn inept at achieving successful lifetime relationships, because it’s a gray area for many. On top of the matter, being such habits and ideals are continuously perpetuated, we ultimately will have less success finding a partner like us because, even in the event we change and follow a different route, those like us appear to be a needle in a haystack more so than they ever were before. Don’t get me wrong here, NOT all relationships are like this and there a large number of successful lifetime relationships that are NOT built on such a premise, but they are more likely to be of an older generation I feel, or far away from western society as a whole.
With that notion being established, what happens when we decide as an individual that we will no longer look for a relationship because of how it makes us feel? What happens when we realize we primarily wanted a relationship because of the feelings it brings, because of the insecurities it masks? Feelings that we aren’t getting from our self. Feelings that we are allowing another to substitute by being with them. What happens when we decide to stop looking for relationships altogether with the intent of filling our own voids alone? To what extent does a relationship actually need to exist if we learn to get everything we need internally? I can tell you from experience some interesting things appear to occur. Part of it has to do with the law of attraction. In my version of such, once you truly let things go, and you detach any emotion to something you desire, that thing you desired seems to manifest where you’d least expect out of nowhere. For example, the moment I decide, truly decide that I’m OK Not being in a relationship and stop looking for one, women come out of the woodwork in my life. When I first started noticing this pattern it seemed like a sick joke the universe was playing. How damned cruel is life that when I finally give up searching due to years of failure, women are all of a sudden significantly more attracted to me, as if the universe is sucking me back into madness? Why when I stop looking, is it when I no longer need to look? It seemed like a catch 22. I try and nothing comes of it, I stop trying and things fall into my lap. What I’ve gathered from this as it relates to the law of attraction is multi faceted. By trying and focusing on being in a relationship, I was pushing what should come naturally and if the universe ever appears to push back hard, it’s when it’s pushed that such occurs. It would seem that the harder I tried, the harder I’d fail and that when I’d given up completely, there was the answer just sitting there. Additionally when you finally give up and stop caring, your truest version of self comes to the surface and you no longer act or react dictated by the views and perceptions of others. You don’t care anymore and you finally experience full fledged freedom from your insecurities. This alone has a power to draw others to you that itself is uncanny.
The second facet of this pattern is that when I’d honestly given up the search for a partner, women apparently notice that. They can see that I don’t care and because I honestly had zero interest in them, not only was I different from others, but I had something different to offer. Minus the raised confidence levels, I feel as if I had something they didn’t. I had peace and strength and confidence in being alone and accepting that alone-ness was my fate. Subconsciously by body language, verbal cues, and overall demeanor, they wanted that. They wanted to not to need to be wanted and to some extent, they wanted what they couldn’t have because it was new. In essence I didn’t want to be needed and didn’t need to be wanted and didn’t want or care to be in a relationship, and therefore I could give them something they didn’t, total acceptance of self. But like a fool, the attraction I created, led me into another relationship and then out of one and into another etc. So like the proverbial hamster, I continued within a cycle of try-fail, then not try-succeed. It’s upon this writing that I feel I’m starting to see things more clearly. At 33 I’d hope to god my theory holds some accuracy but in that very statement I prove to myself I’ve not completely let go of wanting a relationship altogether…
The next facet of this equation as I see it is synchronicities or what one might refer to as speak of the devil incidents. Things that appear to be coincidence but are not. My belief is that before we entered this life, we made a decision on what family to be born into, for reasons not fully understood. Such reasons from what I gather though, are reasons that have to do with potential improvements we can make while here, what we would like to accomplish, learn, conquer etc. Synchronicities seem to be the universes way of telling us something. What, I’m not entirely sure of, but it would appear after years of observation, synchronicities appear at pivotal moments in life the most. They seem to appear at a fork in the road before you decide which trail to follow. Sometimes they exist just to draw your attention to them existing. The more prevalent the synchronicity, the more the universe is talking, or the more you are following a pre-life established route for yourself in some way. However the opposite can be said for such speak of the devil instances in some cases. They can also be a warning of sorts but my theory is, regardless of whether they are a warning or not, they can be followed with a degree of intuition successfully and after taking note, you will start to see the pattern also. The reason I mention these universal whispers is that they also allude to the nature of fate itself. Fate AND agency both play roles in our life paths and while we can choose where to go ultimately, if you pay attention, the universe will point out clues on where we’re headed. Things that appear to be random but really aren’t. The best way to explain this without writing a tome on the subject itself is to ask you to think about where you are now in life. Look back at the route that led you here, the choices that ended with you here. Those choices, at least in my life, when considering the details, leave no doubt that there is a guiding hand or whispering clues along the way, that there is a pattern of fate involved but with multiple avenues that can be driven down, all dictated by decision and agency and hinted at by things that appear to be random such as synchronicities. It is not merely fate OR choice as many consider the topic, but a careful unspoken working of the two in unison that invisibly structure where we end up in life at differing moments.
With such notions established it would appear to me that things I really want in life only manifest when I don’t really want them anymore, as if the universe is telling me to let it go, completely and forever. But when I do let it go, those things manifesting rekindle my desire to have them, as if fate is telling me, here you go, now do it right this time. What I’ve figured is that this cycle will continue until I manage to discern the most functional version of a relationship, codependency aside. My question is though, to what extent does the need for a relationship exist when you no longer need anything from a relationship, because you’ve found a way to get those needs on your own, from yourself, by yourself? What is the point of a relationship at all when there’s nothing to obtain from it? Maybe, just maybe that’s what I’m missing here and what we’re all missing. Maybe what I’m missing is that a real life long relationship is not a give and take, not a need and fill, but a “I don’t need you and you don’t need me”. Maybe by both individuals meeting, who need and take nothing from each other, can true love be obtained because then, and only then, can they share without filling an insecurity or a void by draining the strengths of the partner to mask their inadequacies. Only then can they give without a request for something in return. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll find true love when you finally don’t need it at all and because you don’t need it, and don’t push it, the universe gives it to you, because you finally earned it. Maybe this is what fate and life’s synchronicities are telling us. If we can master ourselves enough, we can become what we need by not needing it at all, and therefore, draw it to us by the hands of fate working via the law of attraction and subtle clues along the way. The timing of which certain things happen in ones life is hinged upon what they need to or can learn from it and is directly tied to where they are currently, of this, I’m certain by the indicators of our invisible guides.